I won't sleep well tonight.
That's not a terrible thing. In fact, it's probably a good sign. It will mean that I still genuinely care about the job I do, and I remain passionate and inspired about the importance of the responsibility I have been given.
I won't sleep well tonight. And, even at 8:30, I know it, and I anticipate it. The impending restlessness rests in a giddy anticipation of the coming morning. Dinner is finished, and the family drifts off into the evening rituals. Dishes and lunches and laundry and tomorrow's outfits and books and some TV. Reminders of the daily schedule are around the house in post-it notes and piles of materials.
Even as my eyelids become a bit heavy, and my movements slow in the relaxed ease of a Sunday evening, I won't sleep well tonight. A bit of bourbon before dinner contributes to the calm, but it won't make a difference when I hit the mattress. It's not actually anxiety, you know. Too much connotation with that word. But anxious, excited, ready? Of course. All those words get at the reason why I won't sleep well tonight.
Even though I've been back at it for a couple weeks now, the atmosphere of tomorrow is different. It's the anticipation of the starting bell, and the incredible buzz of energy as we all descend on campus to meet and greet and get on to the business at hand. There's a long road out in front of us - 40 weeks on the road to be exact. But it promises to be an interesting journey, as it always is. The same road,but different scenery. So much to see and do. Yeah, it's definitely anticipation.
The clock marches on, and the alarm is already set. I'll piddle around downstairs for a while as I always do. As I've been doing for a quarter century. There's no hurry to roll into bed because I'll just toss and turn. At some point, she'll tell me to come to bed, to at least rest my eyes and my body. And, of course, I will. But it'll be sometime past midnight that I'll be up and around the house. Just feeling the feelings. Reading a book won't help tonight - I won't be able to focus.
Of course, there's no real reason why I won't sleep well tonight. I'm certainly ready for tomorrow, and I can fairly anticipate how it will go. The pattern is pretty much the same, and there is no more prep work to be done. I won't even be tired in the morning, no matter how restless I am tonight, because the energy will carry me through. But I'm still anxious as always, for I have so many ideas and so many plans and so many visions of how it all will be. I'm so excited for it to turn out just as I imagined it - better than I imagined it.
Tomorrow is the first day of school.
And, I won't sleep well tonight.
